I loved the article the Dalai Lama wrote in Monday’s Vancouver Sun. It was not written with children in mind, or even parenting for that matter, but it certainly pertains to this subject as much as anything else. I’m talking specifcially about compassion for our children as they learn to master all the tasks we give them to grow into well-adjusted human beings.
Take potty training, for example. For someone who has struggled with her son to “get” this all-important physiological task, it has taken an inordinate amount of patience, tongue-holding and letting go to get to a point where he is doing it himself (or mostly!). What I needed to remember every time we went to the bathroom, was compassion. I needed to be compassionate for where he was at, and trust that he would get there when he was ready. For my son, it was an emotional journey hindered by the birth of his brother. My guess was that he felt completely out of control in losing his place in our family, so he chose to exert control over the only thing he really knew how to - his bodily functions.
I’d like to tell you that I was indeed the epitome of compassion and patience, that I always treated him with the respect he deserved, but the truth is that a year of trying desperately to teach him to “listen to his body”, of carrying him kicking and screaming to the bathroom before an accident occurred, of letting him have control and having that accident happen on the couch/carpet/hardwood meant that I was worn down. I did the very best I could, but boy, was I sick of cleaning up pee and poo. One day, I cleaned up 7 poos and pees with my 2 children combined. I felt like I never left the bathroom!
He is now four and a bit, and he is really getting the hang of it. He is so proud of himself when he “pushes out his poo” every night, and he tells his one year old brother that he “will be doing this someday too”. Compassion is so important to practice as parents. As the DL says, it’s the ultimate key to happiness. For me it is about letting go of my fear. My fear of him not growing up to be a happy individual, my fear of having a child that is out of the range of “normal”. If our children pass milestones in the “normal” continuum, we are happy – we are relieved. We have done a good job. What if they don’t? Does this mean we are not good parents? Of course not. We are all doing the best job we can with the resources we have access to. As Oprah says, when we know better, we do better.
So, when faced with a child who is not performing to our standards, we need to look at ourselves to see if our expectations are in perspective. And practice compassion. This doesn’t mean feel sorry for them, or let them off the hook – we still need to instil boundaries so they feel secure. But if we firstly look at ourselves, we may look at their behaviour with more sensitivity.
Take Home Note: This is NOT about blaming yourself – more on that later…..