Ahh, the happy moment when you and your loved one are settled at home after the birth of your precious babe. Thus far, things have gone well – baby is sleeping most hours of the day, you are exhausted, of course, but “blissed out” over the gorgeous new being you both have created. Breastfeeding is OK, nothing too difficult (yet!), and the adrenalin honeymoon is continuing to provide you both with an air of excitement and eager anticipation about things to come.
Enter sleep deprivation. Exit sanity . . . as well as all endearments, cuddles and intimacy that existed between you and your partner PTB (prior to baby). We humans operate on a “must have sleep” policy before we can shower our loved ones with love, which means that when we are not getting any – our partners are also “not getting any” (ahem!). This is a very difficult time for many parents, as they struggle with reorganising their lives around the newest member, and trying to maintain the depth of their relationship. Moms are feeling very sensitive about, well, just about everything, and arguments that didn’t happen before seem to happen every day now. Initially, getting close may seem pretty near to impossible, however, there is light at the end of the tunnel . .
One thing that really helps during this time is to laugh together. I know, a tall order when you only have four hours of sleep between you over the past two nights. But, it can be one of the most heart-warming connections you will share, and it puts everything into perspective. OK, so maybe being barfed on (again!) isn’t so great, but these are the things you will laugh about with each other (and give you something to chat about on your date that you have planned for Saturday night!). Another important thing to remember is that this period of our lives is so brief in the big scheme of things. One day we will wake up and our tiny being will have grown into a toddler. This too shall pass . . . .
We all know this one. To resolve anything, we must speak with each other, be as honest and open as possible, and try to see the other person’s perspective. Talk about issues as soon as they arise, otherwise we risk the issue becoming bigger than it needs to be. As new parents, we all need understanding and love, and to hear that we are doing a good job in our new role, and the best person to give us these things is – the other parent.
We all have it. That fierce protectiveness of our child – that don’t-touch/talk to-my-baby-that-way-or-I’ll-have-your-guts-for-garters type of feeling. If you haven’t experienced this yet – you will. It’s primal, instinctual and surprisingly forceful. I remember feeling this when a woman in a museum spoke harshly to my 2 year-old son, telling him to “Be Quiet!”. My hackles rose, and I smacked her across the face over her righteousness and intolerance of a toddler’s inability to whisper in appropriate places. Of course, wanting to be a role model to my son (and a mature adult), I didn’t do this last part, but I did feel great indignation. I was shocked at how quickly I responded with such aggression – if only in my head.
What is it about us Moms that leads us to such heights of passion for our babies? Is it hormones? Is it a need to protect our offspring from impending danger? Yes and yes. Of course, it makes sense that having carried these beings for three trimesters, we would want to keep them safe from harm – whatever form that comes in – a dragon lady with no grandkids to keep her real, or a definite threat, like fire or a stranger.
We are complex creatures, and when we become mothers, these complexities sometimes overwhelm us. We need to process them in a way that is safe, and also so we know they are “normal”. We need to talk with other mothers to find out we are not alone, and not going crazy.
Believe me, you’re not.
The short answer – yes, you will. The long, and definitley less attractive, answer – I have no idea when. I’m sorry. I feel for you. All I can tell you is that I have been there. All mothers have, so you are not alone.
I remember well the raw, god-will-this-ever-end feeling of not having any sleep for nights on end. That awful, no-energy lethargy that comes from being awake at odd hours with a baby that just won’t go back to sleep! Or just being up multiple times a night – period. It’s something you just can’t prepare for. The part that depressed me the most as a first-time Mom, was the not knowing. Not knowing when it would end – will he be 4 months or 18 months when he sleeps through the night?
I had read copious books – they all contradicted each other, so that didn’t help. Finally, I took what I could from each of them and threw them away. What got me through the nightmare? Friends with 2 children who said that it will end. At some point. Then you will be onto something else. And a mantra – This Too Shall Pass. That mantra got me through many, many nights of rocking and nursing my son back to sleep.
I want you to know that you have options. You don’t have to wait for baby to be ready if that’s what you decide. Of course, you as a parent have to ready to make changes, as these will invariably involve some level of crying from baby. Change always involves stress (even the positive type), and babies let us know they are stressed by crying. So, if you look at it like that, it makes it a little easier to understand and bear.
Also – very important for Mom and Dad to be on the same page. This is a team effort and will be more effective if you both agree. There are great sleep consultants out there if that is the route you decide to go. One I recommend is Dawnn Whittaker (www.cheekychops.ca). Dawnn is caring and professional, and will educate you on babies’ sleep patterns (which are very different to adults’). She is also aware that everyone is different, and will work with your family to come up with a plan to suit you.
If you are not ready to go this route, no problem. Take your time. The sure thing is that if you are not ready, you will be giving your baby mixed messages which will only frustrate you and prolong the situation. It’s OK to wait. I trust that sleep will come…
This woman does – Corine Maier. You may have heard about her latest book “No Kid: 40 Reasons For Not Having Children”. I heard her on a CBC radio interview last week, and I have to admit, I was completely abhorred. I thought, she must be joking. Regret having your children? I mean, yes, I have had days that were nightmares from beginning to end, when I was tired beyond belief and so frustrated I could have screamed at anyone with a pulse, but to actually admit publicly that you regret having children is something else entirely.
I thought, she must not have any of her own. But no, she has two. My question is, how will these children feel when they eventually read her book? Good thing both parents are psychiatrists – they will need a referral to a good therapist to work through those issues.
As I listened to her interview, it struck me just how detached she sounded. Her view of Motherhood was very pessimistic When asked if there was anything good about having children, she responded that “they sometimes are funny”. Gosh, don’t go overboard, lady. God forbid you let your kids know how special they are so that they can grow up to become adjusted members of society.
Admittedly, part of this is satirical for the purpose of consumers and to grab bookstand space. It has certainly taken France by storm – it’s a bestseller. However, I could tell by her interview that part of her (and a large part, she even admits) honestly regrets having had children. She is someone disillusioned by Motherhood. She also wants to impart this belief to childless women. Now, I ask you, when you were considering having babies, would a book persuading you NOT to have left any impression?
Yes, Motherhood is darn hard – the hardest job, we say, for good reason. But, the part that makes me saddest for her, is that she has obviously missed out on the Wonderment. How about those moments when our children bring utter joy and happiness to our lives? How about the growth we encounter as individuals? Yes, our children challenge us – they are supposed to – that’s their job. It’s our job to look at those challenges and to figure out more of ourselves. I’m sad for her that she doesn’t see this – or at least, acknowledge it.
If you want to read the whole article, it is here:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/article784948.ece
When you are finished, go back to your wee ones and look at their faces. Really look and see. Regret anything?
On behalf of Nannies On Call, I am posting this great FREE event for all those interested in hiring, or keeping, a nanny. Check out the info below:
In Search of Super Nanny: A Parent’s Boot Camp
How to Hire/Train/and Keep a GREAT Nanny
FREE (donation to children’s charity)
* When: Thursday, September 10th 5:30pm – 8:00pm
* Where: Nannies on Call Office #302- 788 Beatty Street
* What: In response to many requests from families we have serviced,
* A September evening dedicated to help parents learn how to hire and keep a great nanny.
* Tips on interviewing, on Tax info, on checking references, on communication strategies, on contract writing and sure fire ways to either lose or hang on to your own personal Mary Poppins.
* Cost: Free (donation to children’s charity)
* Who: Lisa Bruce, Placement Manager, Nannies on Call and Michelle Kelsey Owner – Nannies on Call
Nanny Recruiter
Nannies on Call
Vancouver 604-734-1776 (111)
Calgary 403-351-0180 (111)
Victoria (250)410-0159 (111)
leanne@nanniesoncall.com
www.nanniesoncall.com
Hats off to the doctors and nurses talking about the serious increase in c-section rates in Canada in the Vancouver Sun yesterday. In fact, this week, there have been wonderfully-written articles about birth in Canada. We do not want to become like the US, where the c-section rate hovers around the 30% mark (WHO reccomends it sits at the 15% mark), but unless we change the way we think about, and treat, birth, we are seriously in danger of heading in that same direction.
What I found most interesting was the emotional and psychological impact of c-sections – a perspective that hasn’t been given much press, perhaps for fear that we offend the women who gave birth via cesarean? The research suggests that there is a delay in bonding between mother and baby in cases of cesareans – that the hormones (oxytocin) responsible for vaginal birth are not present at a cesarean. True enough. Does that mean that postpartum depression is more prevalent in mothers who have c-sections? That would be interesting research. The article states that it is at a very early stage of research, and that the study group was very small. More research needed (I remember stating that very conclusion at the end of every essay in university!).
I want to applaud this article for stating also that there are many good reasons for c-sections. The writers were not saying that c-sections should never be performed – indeed, we have advanced so much as a technological world, and c-sections are responsible for many of the celebrated people of this world. We just don’t need to take this to the extreme – watch the interventions, health professionals! Do we really need to do that internal fetal monitoring that will restrict the movement of the mother and in turn, perhaps slow down the progress of labour?
Today’s article in the Sun was on two key things that as a doula, I often tell my pregnant clients about – movement and patience. Bravo! So simple, yet, so hard to remember in this society where we are so set on hurrying things up. Labour can truly be about the journey, not just the destination. As a society, we are very afraid of pain. So afraid are we of feeling any discomfort that we block it out and still we expect to grow as individuals. Pain is part of our humanity. We are supposed to feel this to some degree.
Just to mention, in no way am I judging those who have epidurals, or any other type of pain relief in birth. As a doula, I have been in many situations where an epidural has been necessary for the relaxation of the Mom – and baby has come shortly afterwards. I’m simply observing that perhaps if we change the way we look at pain and childbirth, we may discover something wonderful and powerful about ourselves.
Who knows? We may even enjoy it and want to do it again…and again!