It’s my birthday today. Thirty-six years have passed since my Mom gave birth, and she says she remembers it like yesterday. I guess that never leaves us. Now that I am a mother myself, I have new appreciation for her that I didn’t have before. I don’t think I could have without having had children. It goes beyond just thanking her for the millions of things she ever did – I now GET IT. The most amazing thing is – she never looked tired. I never remember her saying that she was too tired to do things with me, that she was bored of the games that I wanted to play – she was just always there. Yes, there are things that I would change – that I have changed with my sons – but I know that she did the absolute best she could every day.
She was here for my second son’s birth in October last year. What a privelege it was to have her in the room, supporting me as I bore my baby – her grandbaby. She didn’t say much, but she was there. Her very presence was enough to reassure me of our connection. One time when it was getting tough for me, I sobbed openly. I happened to look up and she was crying too – she felt my pain and vulnerability and wanted to bear it for me. That’s what mothers do. They bear pain for their children.
I have not yet found a way to adequately thank her for being there – words just don’t seem to cut it. Maybe the emotion I feel right now as I write this will reach out and she will feel it too. I just want her to know….
They are seriously sore like nothing I have ever felt before. And drippy. And huge – did I mention HUGE? My husband is over the moon. Except in the very next breath he is sober, as he knows all he can do is look. Breastfeeding is a whole new ballgame, isn’t it? They told us in the prenatal classes that it would be natural and simple, so we believed them. Natural, I agree with. Simple? Not so much.
Then we got our milk in, and the breasts we were so comfortable with became enlarged and morphed into these pouches of milk that we had to maneuver every 2 hours to get any sustenance into our babes. It’s awkward and uncomfortable the first few (hundred) times.
But you know what? If it’s want you want to do, persist a little. Because when it works, it works REALLY well. (I send my sympathies to those who really wanted it to work and, after everything, it STILL didn’t). It has to be one of those wonderful acts of love a mother can give to her child. There is nothing more delicious and heart-warming than looking down at your babe and connecting with them while they receive nourishment solely from you.
That’s pretty amazing.
And the harsh reality of it being nowhere in sight. Which is probably more relevant for you now. What is it about sleep that is so restorative for us? And without it, how do we so quickly become haggard shades of ourselves? Without that wonderful 7-8 hours each night, we shift into survival mode, we become easily agitated (is this why I snap at my husband so fast when he asks me to pass the milk?), we overreact (you’re going out AGAIN????? without the baby????), we cry uncontrollably at nothing (oh god, I love that ad!!!!!), and we berate ourselves constantly for not being the perfect Mom.
OK, lets take a step back. What you have just gone through is possibly one of the most psychologically transformative periods of your life. Not to mention the physical demands on your body throughout pregnancy (god, remember the nausea that never stopped?). You can forgive yourself for not being on top of your game right now. Because you’re not supposed to be. Motherhood is messy, it’s tearful, it’s crappy, it’s downright unpleasant sometimes – oh, and by the way, you are now responsible for another human being.
It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK. Sleep will come. In the meantime, enjoy the ride….
If I can imagine myself as a new Dad right now, I would be saying, “Lordy, I had no idea I would feel like this”. Like what, you say? Like I don’t know where I fit in my family anymore. My wife had our beautiful baby last week (whom I adore, by the way), and now I feel as though I am out of place. The baby needs my wife every waking moment, and when do I get my time with them? And when do my wife and I get some time to talk about us? I feel a bit alone, and I don’t think I am the first Dad to feel like this, but guys don’t talk about this stuff. You women are much better at telling each other how you feel.
Like any change in our lives, be it positive or negative, it comes with stress. It’s stressful because it involves transition. When we change something, it necessarily brings an evolution in ourselves. It takes time to settle into this change and for it to integrate into our lives. So, don’t worry. The change will very soon become the norm – you will find your place in your new family. You will find special things to do with your new baby, like bathing her. And you will also find moments to snuggle with your wife, to remember yourselves as the couple you once were – as well as to celebrate the couple you are now. The labels “Mom” and “Dad” are just that – labels – to be used with as much meaning as you wish to place upon them.
Does that help, Dads?
OK, I understand what you say about being in the moment. I, too, have read the great Eckhart Tolle books and Marianne Williamson’s words of wisdom, but come on, in those first few weeks – there is no balance!!!! It’s all about the baby!!
Yes, you are so right. It IS all about the baby. It has to be. This creature has joined the family in the hopes that You will take of its every need – and indeed You do. It’s just that – god, it’s tiring. It’s draining. It’s overwhelming. I just want my life back, You say (with a touch of guilt).
Let me tell you before you go stark-raving crazy that this does end. I swear it does. It usually starts to get better when you see your beloved’s smile for the first time. It makes all those hours of trying to get baby to sleep all seem worthwhile. Anthropologically speaking, that first smile serves an important purpose – it bonds Mom to baby so that we don’t up and leave them. It’s like Baby is saying – if I smile at you, you’ll smile back, and then we’ll be joined forever. So, just when it seems that everything is going haywire, look for that wee grin. It’ll make those moments of screaming (ours, not theirs!) seem that much more livable.
Ahh, the ever-present balancing act when baby comes along. How to manage our needs with those of Hubby and Baby. Well, inevitably, Baby’s comes first, because he/she is sure to be the loudest if their needs are not met. I think the hardest thing we Moms try to find is balance within our own lives when the third family member makes his or her appearance. We now have a brand spanking new family with all the bells and whistles, and suddenly we are swung into full “GO” mode. A different “GO” than we have experienced before, because a lot of us were high-powered execs in a corporate world where we knew what was what. And we sure knew what it was like to go full bore.
So, how do we find that elusive balance? We start by being in the moment. Taking one breath at a time, and one step at a time. At that point, we are in the present. Then, we are better-equipped to decide what is most important in that moment. Does Baby need to be fed right this second, or can I squeeze a sandwich in here? Can I make that quick call to my friend to ask her about such and such? By being present, we are in touch with ourselves, and we can then make more conscious decisions.
As for Hubby, well, I hate to say it, but he’s kinda on his own here. At least in the beginning. Of course, making time for The Relationship is uber-important, but in those first few weeks, it’ll mostly be a time for Mom and Baby to get to know each other and find out how each other ticks.
I’ll talk about Dad time later……
I am very excited (and a teensy bit scared!) to announce that I will be the guest speaker at Women in Wellness Summer ‘09 on Sunday June 28! It’s being hosted by my good friend, Tara Caffelle, of Big Life Coaching (www.biglifecoaching.com), held at the Shadbolt Centre from 2-4.30pm. It will be a fantastic afternoon of cafe-style coaching and empowerment, so I invite you to come along and explore a few of your dreams!
Wallet – stuffed with every plastic card imaginable, which of course makes it seem as if I have enough money to pay for ice-creams every day. I do not.
A soother – which my 7 month old has yet to like. Kept for emergency purposes only, like a screaming fit in Capers last week where the entire grocery store was looking at me, urging me to do SOMETHING about that melting child!
A size 2 diaper – in case of blowouts when out and about. Must change this as child is actually now size 3.
Two small cars – for restaurants and other places that require 4 year old to wait for anything more than 5 minutes.
Lipstick – for those rare times when one must look her best (preschool pick-up, for example).
Small tube of sunscreen – for water parks in case larger tube is forgotten at home in other park bag.
Brown nail polish – like I have so much time to put on a coat of nail polish and wait for it to dry before having to take a child pee or breastfeed the youngest!
Nail file – see above.
A pair of child’s sunglasses with one lens missing. He still wants to wear them.
Tissues – good for all scrapes, tears and miscellaneous blood.
A receipt from IGA totalling $21.67. Didn’t keep the other part to it, so have no idea what was bought.
Cellphone.
Chequebook.
Prescription for medication I will never use.
My husband’s business cards – in case anyone ever wants a professional photographer (www.randalkurt.com). My own, of course, are nowhere in sight.
Address book – rarely used anymore since email has taken over.
Other weird items I have no idea why I keep – lint, a nail (yes, a nail!), a lone postage stamp for 51 cents, a book of coupons that I was sucked into buying that advertises NONE of the items I usually buy,
and lastly…..2 squashed photos of my gorgeous boys, which serve to remind me on a daily basis why I cart all this stuff around in the first place!
This woman who now has a tiny being living OUTSIDE of her body? Who refers to herself as Mom and who speaks in the third person to her husband? Who breastfeeds all night it seems and has no recollection whether baby woke 4 or 5 times? Who has lunch at 3pm (that consists of a granola bar snatched from a torn box in the pantry and a banana that is eaten with one hand while trying to latch a baby)? What has my life become, she asks? Who the h*** am I now?
Identity. It envelops us. It defines us. We become IT. So, who do we become when we become Mothers? How do we integrate our new identity when we literally go from one person to 2 people overnight (or even in the same day!).
I had a really tough time with this one. I had no vocabulary to describe the changes within me – I only knew that it felt very disorienting and nothing felt familiar. I felt as if I was walking on thin air for the first 4 months. I was not grounded, and as a result, I was lost in my new world. Even my background as a doula and a counsellor didn’t prepare me for the emotional wasteland in my heart. I couldn’t seem to find the words to describe my experience, and so I suffered alone. My second-time Mom friends were my only salvation as they gave me the hope that things would get better. This too shall pass, they said.
And it did. So, if you are in this place – please be patient. You will get it. This Mommyhood thing will integrate itself into your life, and pretty soon you will wear it like your favourite pair of jeans with the holes in the knees.
Trust. And if that doesn’t work, a little vodka around 4pm doesn’t hurt either.
Or Mom leaves. Or post-partum doula finishes her contract. That first day on your own – how do you feel? Horrendously scared? Petrified that you won’t be able to manage breastfeeding/preparing bottles, answering the phone, changing diapers, getting something that resembles food into your own stomach, or god forbid, catching a catnap while the blessed wee one sleeps?
OR – gloriously relieved that finally you get to do it on your own? Make your own decisions and your own mistakes. Guess it depends on who’s been helping you.
Lord, that first day. I remember it well. A dear Mommy friend of mine prepared me well by suggesting we go out together so that I had a plan in place in case I broke down in a “what if I can’t cope?” moment. That took care of the morning. The afternoon was a little less inviting with nothing to do except be alone with my baby and endless variations of “sooooo, what now, wee one?”
Which leads me to my next thought……..